In early 2012, i had a badass band. I had a really sweet and faithful girlfriend. I had all the beat friends i could ask for. I had tons of girls crawling on my nuts. And way more people loved me then hated me.
But... Over time i took all that for granted. One by one. It started with my band mates. One by one they just began pissing me off. I never noticed how stressful they were before. Maybe it was my ego creeping up on me. Who knows. I did think i was better than everyone else. Nonetheless, i made the desicion to kick out 3 members of our band. We replaced them and began playing shows again. But again, i was getting tired of them being late for practice. I hated it. They were scared to answer my calls because id always yell and pressure them. As my band was deteriorating, so were my friendships. I was so stressed at the time, i couldnt even kick back with a group of friends without getting a headache and feeling overwhelmed. I remember one day, my band was having a show and my best friend at that time couldnt make it. So i told her shes on meth if she thinks she deserves to be my beat friend. At that moment, i wasnt expressing my grattitude what so ever. She was an amazing friend, some say i was in love with her. But i just took her for granted. We hadnt talked since. And i didnt stop there. Oh no. I wasnt done destroying the abundance i had built around me. Pushed away the rest of my best friends because i just wasnt aware of how much i had to be grateful for. Thinking i was too good for everyone else, thinking i was famous. That they should be the ones grateful of me instead.
So as the year went on, my band faded away, my beat friends had come and gone. And i was in a tug of war with fucking a few different girls in a couple weeks, and being in love with the one girlfriend i was on and off with that whole year. I began having panic attacks in late march/april of 2012 after i tried smoking weed for a month. I guess the rush of adreniline, the endorphins and being completely new and non-knowing of weed,mixed with the heavy and whack attempts at inhaling the smoke kind of set me up for that.
So i delt with anxiety from that point on. Only at the time, i had absolutely no idea what was going on with me. Paranoid. Looking for the answers i found a shit ton of symptoms ongoogle and illnesses i thought i had. Over time i had self developed a ton of crazy symptoms, all from my own paranoia.
Fastforward a year later. Its april of 2013. My therapist at that time had convinced me to persue a real career. I started my career in fitness. Once again pre occupied by finding the cure to my problems, i had declared it was my thought patterns.
All through 2013 i searched for fullfillment in my life. Mainly reading books for information. And thinking. Contimplating things i could do.
That entire year, i did have a handful of great moments. I had fucked a good amount of girls, i even had a cute little band going on in two parts of that year. But they brought little to no fullfillment what so ever. As a matter a fact, i dont remember being very present, even during a lot of the best times that year. I can hardly remember a lot of it very vividly. I had always had an itch to move forward. I was anxious to get the most out of everything i did, yet i got very little satisfaction out of anything at all. And i hadnt acomplished a thing.
I tried so fucking hard
constantly, but nothing i did made me feel the kind of happiness i felt from September 2011 -march 2012. Today i remember it felt effortless. Yet love was all around me. Everyone wanted to talk to me or hang with me. It took a lot to bother me, and life just felt euphoric. But why?
I remember having a band, a good foundation of good friends and even a girlfriend felt really good. I wasnt doing any of that for any reason other than it was just natural. And it made me feel good. But as the band progressed, my ego grew. And i felt like i had the right to feel better than everyone else. On one side of it, i saved myself a lot of bullshit. Feeling like i had better things to focus on than "idiots" but i also noticed i hit a peak were i just took everything for granted. My friends, my band, my co do... My transportation... Hell i even forgot the value in music.
So now its 2014. I am grateful to be smart enough to have acknowledged this. Im grateful for my car, my condo, my friends, my brand new career, my music, my health and all the awesome things i have picked up on through this journy of transformation
Got to be grateful for everything no matter what.
